The Throne of My Heart

How do I take me off the throne of my heart and ask God to occupy His rightful place on the throne of my heart when I'm filled with such pride?

Many would say it's easy, confess, repent, believe, have faith, trust, etc.

I submit to you that sometimes it's really NOT that easy.  Oh how I want it to be, but when I ask myself some hard questions, I realize that this is a battle I can't fight on my own.

My sweet friend shared a quote with me from Facing the Giants between the husband and the wife.  He asked her "Will you still love Him if He never gives us a child?"

For my friend, she said before she couldn't answer because she was angry, but now she can say yes!!!! regarding her situation.

As for me, I wrote it out and I'm truly pondering it.
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?

Sad to say I am struggling with this right now and I see the pride in it all.  I see that I have dethroned God from my heart and put myself in His place.

I'm not even pondering so much right now HOW this happened, but WHAT is hindering me from removing myself and putting God back in His rightful place in my heart and life.

And just in the brief moment I have paused to ask God to reveal it to me, I got this...
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned.  My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.

to be continued............

Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

Blessing of Giving

I got a text message from a sweet friend whose family has had a hard time this year with her husband getting laid off from a job he held for almost 17 years.  God has truly sustained them through the hard times and given them bountiful blessings when they least expected.
Last night was no exception.  She said to me just days ago that they had no extra money, food was running low and she was beyond in the dumps because of the lack.  I could totally understand her heart and began to pray for her.  On Thursday, while fasting, I mostly prayed for her and her family.
They went to a Christmas church gathering last night and God laid it upon one of the members hearts to bless her family.  She, not knowing what took place, her husband drove straight to the grocery store for some much needed groceries.  To her surprise and yet humble and thankful heart, they had no food for supper last night until God in His infinite wisdom, grace, and mercy, provided it.
I will continue to pray for their provisions, much as I do for our own.  God is faithful and able to supply all our needs.

Lord I thank You for meeting the needs of my friends and their family.  Thank You for meeting my family's needs as well.  We are so ever grateful and thankful for Your provisions and Your love for/toward us.