Surrendering IS Humbling

Who ever said surrendering to God was easy, lied!  It is a very humbling experience for sure.  Just yesterday alone, I surrendered things to God AGAIN about 10 times.  Just when I think I'm on a path of surrender, something is said or a thought remembered and BAM it's like I've walked into a brick wall and I have to surrender all over again.

When I find myself worrying or fretting over something, I stop right then and surrender those things again.  Asking God to be the Lord over that issue, thought, feeling, emotion, etc.  I can't begin to describe the peace that begins to flood me from within.

I lay in bed last night and began to just pray for various people in my life.  Giving praise, asking for specifics for each of them and suddenly I had the overwhelming need to surrender stuff and people in my life again.  Tears began to stream down my face as it hit me I own NOTHING, not even my own body.  I immediately thought of a few scriptures...

Romans 12:1

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?

1 Corinthians 6:20

20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body. 

1 Corinthians 7:23

23 God purchased you at a high price. Don't be enslaved by the world.

Then it REALLY hit me.  There is nothing on this earth that I own.  There is absolutely NOTHING that is mine.  Now my next thoughts may seem silly as I write them out, but I lay there and started thinking about things I've purchased and realized that not even those things are mine.  I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!  It all belongs to God.  I belong to God.  

AND THEN....surrendering became easy.  The words began to flow from my heart as I gave things back to the Lord that were His to begin with.  My children are not mine.  They were His all along and He only loaned them to me to nurture and prepare for His glory and purpose.  I gave Him my husband as well as many other family members and I realized He loves them far more than I EVER could.  He does not desire for any of them to be lost.  2 Peter 3:9  The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.

He loves them with an everlasting love.  Jeremiah 31:3

The more I surrendered stuff, people, me to the Lord, the harder the tears fell and the more free and at peace I felt.  The more I let go, the more I began to seek His forgiveness for MY mess and I was able to also feel His forgiveness take over me to the point I was able to forgive others.  I could think of someone and things they did or said to me in the past and I was not angry with just the thought of them, but my heart was filled with compassion towards them.  It is seriously a point when you realize that person did hurt you but ultimately it was against heaven first that they sinned and grieved the Holy Spirit.  The more I came to that realization, the more Ephesians 6:12 became more real and clear to me.  For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those powers of darkness that rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.

C L E A N S I N G

F R E E I N G                      H U M B L I N G

R E F R E S H I N G

My goodness that seems to me, to be a lifesaver right there!!!  The nugget we should all be aiming for.  I'm discovering a new side of God that was there all along.  I side I'm loving and so thankful for.

Does this mean I will never worry, fret, or take back what I have already given to Him?  No, that would mean I'm not human.  However, I have taken a step in the right direction of being able to trust my Savior.  

Lord, I pray that something I have shared will be the catapult that launches someone else that much closer to You.  I pray that you will continue to heal my heart and help me to surrender daily my "rights" to You.  May I never get so cocky to believe that I am my own and can do as I so choose.  May I never forget where I've been, nor what You are bringing me through.  May what I experience in life today be used to draw others to You and help them to have understanding and come into a more intimate relationship with You.

Thank You for loving me enough to be patient with me and wait for me to "come to my senses".  Forgive my cockiness of not realizing that though I did not physically wander away I was still a prodigal in my thoughts.  Thank You for seeing me afar off and running to me with out stretched arms welcoming back in to your fold.  Your love is truly greater and higher than I could ever imagine.  May I ever remain humble, grateful for YOU and who YOU are!!!

                                                                                        In Jesus Name, Amen.

This Walk

I'm learning and re-learning day by day that this walk with Christ is a daily surrendering and trust thing.  You can't simply say one day I trust God, I am a follower of Christ, I believe.  This is a daily dying to self and surrendering your will for His.  He is ever stretching me and growing me in areas that are just plain hard.

I can see Him at work in my life and heart, but there are seriously times I want to say ok God, enough.  Times when you think surely there can't be much else that God can pull from me or pull out of me, and then....another trial, another opportunity to grow in Christ, another time of stretching in faith and trust.

Not easy, but so worth it in the end.  I want to ask God to fix things and let me have a reprieve and THEN allow me to come back into the scheme of things.  However, He is asking me "Will you trust Me"?  To which I can either say no and forfeit oh so much OR I can say yes and He blesses my socks off with growth and fellowship with Him.  When I look at it from that perspective, I say YES....un-ashamedly and WITHOUT reservation!

My God is greater!  My God is stronger!  He is higher than any other!  He is healer!  Awesome in Power.....MY GOD!!!!  If my God is for me than who can ever stop me or come against me????

It's boiling down to will I believe and trust His word?  Will I stand on His promises?  He has said He is not a man that He should lie.  Do I believe Him?

There is no one else I can trust or believe beyond a shadow of doubt.  No one BUT God, even when things look ugly and I don't have the answers I'm searching for.  God is All I have and All I need.  He's showing me daily my need for a Savior.

God Bless

A Fast of HIS Choosing

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I can’t say if I’ve really missed it or not.  I’ve been enjoying spending more time with God and trying to get used to the new changes within my household.  

The next several posts for the next few days will be a compilation of the things that have happened over the last few weeks.  

Now, where to begin?  Each year our church holds a Solemn Assembly.  This is the church taking the first week of the new year and dedicating it to the Lord through fasting and praying as a church body as well as families and individuals. 

The week before that, I knew we were getting ready to go into this consecrated time and I had begun to pray and ask God how He wanted me to approach this time of fasting and praying.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to hear from the Lord and I wanted this time to be different.  Immediately God impressed upon my heart to do a full fast and to fast from the internet as well.  And I knew this was a fast that God had chosen.  Isaiah 58:5-12

When we arrived at church that Sunday, the Pastor gave different instructions; to fast from ONE meal of our choosing and from ONE other thing that consumes a lot of our time.  Sounded like what I was going to do anyway, except the meal part.  I sat there and prayed, “Lord they are only fasting from one meal...I could just follow them.”  He instructed me to obey the fast He had chosen and I knew in my heart that was what I needed and had to do.  I knew with expectancy that God was going to speak to me through this fast.

This was NOT a fast where He spoke to me, but a fast in which HE broke the chains of depression and suicide from me.  I can only recall 2 other fasts in the last 5 years in which the Lord spoke to me or broke some bondage from my life.  2011 was a great year of testing and tempting from the enemy for me.  Many times there was a weight and spirit of depression/suicide upon me.  Not many know the depths within which I fought to keep from taking my life.  There were times I could only lay in my bed and cry out the name of Jesus.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t sing, couldn’t pray....I could only call out the name Jesus and beg for Him to save me.  I knew in my limited frame of understanding that if I were to come through that time, it would only be because of Jesus and nothing that I had done in my own works.  And sure enough, He did bring me through but in the first week of 2012, He broke the bondage from me.  

I knew the moment it broke from my life.  I awoke on that Tuesday with a smile on my face and knew a lightness in my heart that I had not felt in over a year.  I knew the season of the deep valley of the shadow of death was over and the joy of the Lord was upon me.  

I actually went through the rest of the fast without a desire for food.  My sister and I talked about various recipes and she continually apologized for “tempting” me, but not once was I even yearning for food.  The only difference this time is that my children are much older than the first time I ever fasted, so I never had to cook meals.  They took care of the meals themselves.  

The following Sunday, I was able to give an amazing testimony to several people about the goodness of the Lord and what He had accomplished during the fast He had chosen.  He also gave me a new heart and desire for my marriage.  I prayed at the end of the fast that God would continue to call me to a fast of His choosing throughout this year.  

Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty without accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Inspired

Tonight I read a Texas Rubies blog post and was totally inspired in my faith.  She articulated so much that I have felt and am feeling and yet it also brought me to a point of repentance and confession.  I did not happen upon her blog, God had it all planned from the beginning of time.  He knew exactly what I needed!!!!

I pray her post inspires you as well.  Learning Curve

Confessions of My Heart 1

Christmas has come and gone.  The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.

On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating things within my heart.  As a commercial came on, I sat there and began to cry.  No apparent reason.  I began to ask the Lord what is wrong with me????  Why am I constantly depressed as of late????  Why can't I get on with life????  Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do anything????  As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you are angry with Me".  My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never.  I could never be angry with You.  And then softly but firmly, "You are angry with God".  And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".

Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it.  Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.

Yes God, I am angry with You!!!

And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and restoration".

I awoke this morning, sensing ALL  the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter.  I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need.  I pulled up an article from hope for family.  As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time.  My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!!  Immediately 2 teachings came to mind.  Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg.  This is where I've heard/read this truth before.

Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God.  That statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.  Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface feelings and words and get real.

For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and hear God speak to me again.

Psalms 22: 1-5

1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy.  The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them.  They put their trust in you and were never disappointed.  My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed.  Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own.  Is this what it means to die to self?

Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

At What Point...

Did I stop trusting and believing in my Savior?  When did I start bringing Him only "trivial" prayers and quit believing Him for ALL my needs and prayers?

That is the question I am pondering at this point and will be praying and fasting for an answer in the days to come.  I can recall the many great blessings He has done in our lives in the last 6 years, so I know He is a good and loving God and an awesome provider.  I know He hears me and I know He answers me.
Just not sure WHAT event took place in my life that caused me to shift so drastically.  Whatever it was, I want to pinpoint it and get back on the narrow road.

What got me to thinking of all of this was listening to some sweet friends today share their testimony on how God provided the land and finances for them to build their beautiful home they are in now and the awesome land it sits on.  As I listened, my heart was stirred and I began to ask the Lord when did things shift for me.

They have also shared with me how God restored their marriage and the testimony from that as well has just put me over the top with questions to bring before the Lord.  So many questions and I need the answers.  I believe this is a pivotal moment in my walk with Christ and reclaiming some things and areas I so easily handed over to the enemy.

I can't wait to see how God answers.  I truly believe the Lord will knock my socks off with His answers and revelations!!!

Be Blessed!

Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.