Confessions of My Heart 1

Christmas has come and gone.  The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.

On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating things within my heart.  As a commercial came on, I sat there and began to cry.  No apparent reason.  I began to ask the Lord what is wrong with me????  Why am I constantly depressed as of late????  Why can't I get on with life????  Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do anything????  As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you are angry with Me".  My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never.  I could never be angry with You.  And then softly but firmly, "You are angry with God".  And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".

Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it.  Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.

Yes God, I am angry with You!!!

And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and restoration".

I awoke this morning, sensing ALL  the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter.  I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need.  I pulled up an article from hope for family.  As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time.  My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!!  Immediately 2 teachings came to mind.  Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg.  This is where I've heard/read this truth before.

Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God.  That statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.  Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface feelings and words and get real.

For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and hear God speak to me again.

Psalms 22: 1-5

1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy.  The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them.  They put their trust in you and were never disappointed.  My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed.  Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own.  Is this what it means to die to self?

Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

At What Point...

Did I stop trusting and believing in my Savior?  When did I start bringing Him only "trivial" prayers and quit believing Him for ALL my needs and prayers?

That is the question I am pondering at this point and will be praying and fasting for an answer in the days to come.  I can recall the many great blessings He has done in our lives in the last 6 years, so I know He is a good and loving God and an awesome provider.  I know He hears me and I know He answers me.
Just not sure WHAT event took place in my life that caused me to shift so drastically.  Whatever it was, I want to pinpoint it and get back on the narrow road.

What got me to thinking of all of this was listening to some sweet friends today share their testimony on how God provided the land and finances for them to build their beautiful home they are in now and the awesome land it sits on.  As I listened, my heart was stirred and I began to ask the Lord when did things shift for me.

They have also shared with me how God restored their marriage and the testimony from that as well has just put me over the top with questions to bring before the Lord.  So many questions and I need the answers.  I believe this is a pivotal moment in my walk with Christ and reclaiming some things and areas I so easily handed over to the enemy.

I can't wait to see how God answers.  I truly believe the Lord will knock my socks off with His answers and revelations!!!

Be Blessed!

Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.