The Throne of My Heart

How do I take me off the throne of my heart and ask God to occupy His rightful place on the throne of my heart when I'm filled with such pride?

Many would say it's easy, confess, repent, believe, have faith, trust, etc.

I submit to you that sometimes it's really NOT that easy.  Oh how I want it to be, but when I ask myself some hard questions, I realize that this is a battle I can't fight on my own.

My sweet friend shared a quote with me from Facing the Giants between the husband and the wife.  He asked her "Will you still love Him if He never gives us a child?"

For my friend, she said before she couldn't answer because she was angry, but now she can say yes!!!! regarding her situation.

As for me, I wrote it out and I'm truly pondering it.
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?

Sad to say I am struggling with this right now and I see the pride in it all.  I see that I have dethroned God from my heart and put myself in His place.

I'm not even pondering so much right now HOW this happened, but WHAT is hindering me from removing myself and putting God back in His rightful place in my heart and life.

And just in the brief moment I have paused to ask God to reveal it to me, I got this...
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned.  My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.

to be continued............

Confessions of My Heart 1

Christmas has come and gone.  The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.

On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating things within my heart.  As a commercial came on, I sat there and began to cry.  No apparent reason.  I began to ask the Lord what is wrong with me????  Why am I constantly depressed as of late????  Why can't I get on with life????  Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do anything????  As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you are angry with Me".  My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never.  I could never be angry with You.  And then softly but firmly, "You are angry with God".  And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".

Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it.  Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.

Yes God, I am angry with You!!!

And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and restoration".

I awoke this morning, sensing ALL  the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter.  I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need.  I pulled up an article from hope for family.  As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time.  My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!!  Immediately 2 teachings came to mind.  Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg.  This is where I've heard/read this truth before.

Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God.  That statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.  Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface feelings and words and get real.

For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and hear God speak to me again.

Psalms 22: 1-5

1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy.  The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them.  They put their trust in you and were never disappointed.  My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed.  Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own.  Is this what it means to die to self?