A Fast of HIS Choosing

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I can’t say if I’ve really missed it or not.  I’ve been enjoying spending more time with God and trying to get used to the new changes within my household.  

The next several posts for the next few days will be a compilation of the things that have happened over the last few weeks.  

Now, where to begin?  Each year our church holds a Solemn Assembly.  This is the church taking the first week of the new year and dedicating it to the Lord through fasting and praying as a church body as well as families and individuals. 

The week before that, I knew we were getting ready to go into this consecrated time and I had begun to pray and ask God how He wanted me to approach this time of fasting and praying.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to hear from the Lord and I wanted this time to be different.  Immediately God impressed upon my heart to do a full fast and to fast from the internet as well.  And I knew this was a fast that God had chosen.  Isaiah 58:5-12

When we arrived at church that Sunday, the Pastor gave different instructions; to fast from ONE meal of our choosing and from ONE other thing that consumes a lot of our time.  Sounded like what I was going to do anyway, except the meal part.  I sat there and prayed, “Lord they are only fasting from one meal...I could just follow them.”  He instructed me to obey the fast He had chosen and I knew in my heart that was what I needed and had to do.  I knew with expectancy that God was going to speak to me through this fast.

This was NOT a fast where He spoke to me, but a fast in which HE broke the chains of depression and suicide from me.  I can only recall 2 other fasts in the last 5 years in which the Lord spoke to me or broke some bondage from my life.  2011 was a great year of testing and tempting from the enemy for me.  Many times there was a weight and spirit of depression/suicide upon me.  Not many know the depths within which I fought to keep from taking my life.  There were times I could only lay in my bed and cry out the name of Jesus.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t sing, couldn’t pray....I could only call out the name Jesus and beg for Him to save me.  I knew in my limited frame of understanding that if I were to come through that time, it would only be because of Jesus and nothing that I had done in my own works.  And sure enough, He did bring me through but in the first week of 2012, He broke the bondage from me.  

I knew the moment it broke from my life.  I awoke on that Tuesday with a smile on my face and knew a lightness in my heart that I had not felt in over a year.  I knew the season of the deep valley of the shadow of death was over and the joy of the Lord was upon me.  

I actually went through the rest of the fast without a desire for food.  My sister and I talked about various recipes and she continually apologized for “tempting” me, but not once was I even yearning for food.  The only difference this time is that my children are much older than the first time I ever fasted, so I never had to cook meals.  They took care of the meals themselves.  

The following Sunday, I was able to give an amazing testimony to several people about the goodness of the Lord and what He had accomplished during the fast He had chosen.  He also gave me a new heart and desire for my marriage.  I prayed at the end of the fast that God would continue to call me to a fast of His choosing throughout this year.  

Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty without accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

A Fast He Has Chosen

It's been a long time since I've fasted.  A long time since I've felt led by the Lord.  I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to invite her to join me in a fast.
Hmmmmm, I didn't at first.  I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation.  However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.
So I invited her to join me in a fast.
We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing.  So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying.  I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.

Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to stand for my marriage.  Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.  Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each time I have tried to make that step.  There are times I don't want to desire this man.  This man that has hurt me so deeply.  And yet, as I reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.  No, I didn't pray before we married.  I was far from saved.  I had no idea to pray for my future mate.  But the day we said I do, the Lord was present and in the midst of that day and our lives.  So, if I'm honest with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored.  I want our lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord.  A testimony of God's strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their marriages as well.

In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in my life and the lives of my family.  I leave you with this neat story from Moody Radio.  A Marriage Carol   It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.