Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

As we were reading last night, we came across a scripture that holds a lot of meaning in it for me, and I pray my kids paid attention to it as well.
Proverbs 19:3 (NLT)
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.

We have a tendency to make choices and decisions and when they go completely amuck, we then get angry and blame God.  We are quick to say "if God is so all knowing, powerful, etc. then He wouldn't have let or allowed...."
We forget that God is such a loving God, He is not a dictator and will not force us to do what He knows to be right and best for us.  He is a gentleman at all times.  How do we go off on our own way and then get mad at GOD because it doesn't go the way WE PLANNED????

His Word clearly tells us in Proverbs 16:9 - The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.  And in Proverbs 19:21 - Many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.

When we get to the point of thinking we know what is best for our lives and we know exactly how it should take place, we can only expect disaster to come in some form.  God is all perfect and knowing and He has our best interest at heart.  If our plans turn to a big mess, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Praying we will seek His wisdom and direction for our lives and that we would follow the path that He has set for us.  His way is perfect and His plan is flawless.

A Fast He Has Chosen

It's been a long time since I've fasted.  A long time since I've felt led by the Lord.  I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to invite her to join me in a fast.
Hmmmmm, I didn't at first.  I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation.  However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.
So I invited her to join me in a fast.
We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing.  So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying.  I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.

Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to stand for my marriage.  Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.  Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each time I have tried to make that step.  There are times I don't want to desire this man.  This man that has hurt me so deeply.  And yet, as I reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.  No, I didn't pray before we married.  I was far from saved.  I had no idea to pray for my future mate.  But the day we said I do, the Lord was present and in the midst of that day and our lives.  So, if I'm honest with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored.  I want our lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord.  A testimony of God's strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their marriages as well.

In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in my life and the lives of my family.  I leave you with this neat story from Moody Radio.  A Marriage Carol   It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.