Inspired

Tonight I read a Texas Rubies blog post and was totally inspired in my faith.  She articulated so much that I have felt and am feeling and yet it also brought me to a point of repentance and confession.  I did not happen upon her blog, God had it all planned from the beginning of time.  He knew exactly what I needed!!!!

I pray her post inspires you as well.  Learning Curve

Confessions of My Heart 1

Christmas has come and gone.  The mad rush to buy gifts and bake cookies and big meals has passed.

On Dec. 26 I sat watching old television shows and quietly contemplating things within my heart.  As a commercial came on, I sat there and began to cry.  No apparent reason.  I began to ask the Lord what is wrong with me????  Why am I constantly depressed as of late????  Why can't I get on with life????  Why do I feel stuck and unable to think or do anything????  As I got quiet and still, I heard softly but clearly, "you are angry with Me".  My thoughts were immediately, no Lord, never.  I could never be angry with You.  And then softly but firmly, "You are angry with God".  And the tears began to flow uncontrollably as I admitted "yes Lord, I am angry with You".

Then a quick fear leaps in and then I realized, if God brought it to my attention, He's "OK" with my anger towards Him and wants us to deal with it.  Relief floods in and I began to pour my hear out to the Lord.

Yes God, I am angry with You!!!

And as I went through the day and lay my head to rest, my constant prayer was "Lord, help me to understand and give me healing and restoration".

I awoke this morning, sensing ALL  the anger within me towards myself and others as well...
And I began to search...Google, of course ;-)!!!
I wasn't looking for anyone's opinion on the matter.  I was actually looking for scriptures specific to my need.  I pulled up an article from hope for family.  As I read it, I began to cry again, because I could finally understand my great anger and how anger can cause depression (among other things of course, but for me, this is my root cause).
I came across a statement that I've heard and read many times before, but it was made ever so clear and jumped out at me this time.  My anger stems from unmet and unfulfilled expectations!!!!  Immediately 2 teachings came to mind.  Anger Resolution - Bill Gothard & Quieting a Noisy Soul - Jim Berg.  This is where I've heard/read this truth before.

Now with this revelation and understanding, I'm praying for healing/restoration in my trust, belief, and walk with God.  That statement contradicts my other blog posts, but when you're being honest with God, be prepared for things God will over turn and reveal.  Previous statements are true about my faith, but if I want anything deep, real, and meaningful with God, I've got to get beyond my surface feelings and words and get real.

For starters, I'm going to go back and listen to and read those teachings again, followed by more quiet time as I try to be patient and hear God speak to me again.

Psalms 22: 1-5

1 My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night you hear my voice, but I no relief.
3 Yet You are holy.  The praises of Israel surround your throne.
4 Our ancestors trusted in You, and You rescued them.
5 You heard their cries for help and saved them.  They put their trust in you and were never disappointed.  My hearts cry.....Lord may I get to the point where I cry out to you and you save me, where I put my trust in You and am never disappointed.  Help me to grab hold of Your ideals and will for my life and let go of my own.  Is this what it means to die to self?

Standing

The last couple of days, I've been asking MYSELF if I should really be standing for my marriage.  Is it truly what God has in mind for me?  I wrote it out in prayer, asking if this was His intention and desire for me.
See, I know what His word says regarding marriage.  I know how He has turned me from seeking a divorce each time, but when you are personally in the trenches and there is seemingly no one with you, it can be very hard and extremely exhausting.  Your emotions never know which way to flip.
So, I've asked for a sign.  Much like Thomas did when everyone kept saying they saw Jesus after His resurrection.  Thomas said I won't believe until I see for myself and can place my fingers in His hands and side.  Jesus said blessed are those that don't see and still believe (John 20:25,29).
Unfortunately, I'm one that needs to have proof and confirmation that this is the way He would have me to go.  Why?  Because it is daunting when the very one you are standing for will not even speak with you and the few times he does, his words are cutting and hard.  You think, surely there is no love in his heart.  Or you say to God, Lord I know what Your word says regarding marriage, but have you heard this mans tone and I know Joseph Lord and how hard and stubborn his heart can be.  How determined he is to never return or love again.  And You want me to believe that our marriage will one day be restored?

At which time, He brings to my mind,
Proverbs 21:1 - The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord, He turns it wherever He pleases.

Seriously, what do you say to that?  I couldn't say anything, so I just opened my Bible to read a scripture my friend shared with me from her reading.  All highlights are my hearts cry to my Father, but that in red is my deepest prayer beyond words...and yet here the very words are.  I don't know what sign the Lord will give me, but I trust He will lead me, guide me, and teach me, in the way He would have me to go regarding my marriage.  

PSALM 143

 ¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;
      listen to my plea!
      Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
 ² Don’t put your servant on trial,
      for no one is innocent before you.
 ³ My enemy has chased me.
      He has knocked me to the ground
      and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
 ⁴ I am losing all hope;
      I am paralyzed with fear.
 ⁵ I remember the days of old.
      I ponder all your great works
      and think about what you have done.
 ⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
      I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
                         Interlude

 ⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
      for my depression deepens.
   Don’t turn away from me,
      or I will die.
 ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you.
 ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
      I run to you to hide me.
 ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
      for you are my God.
   May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
      on a firm footing.
 ¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
      Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 ¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
      and destroy all my foes,
      for I am your servant.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

As we were reading last night, we came across a scripture that holds a lot of meaning in it for me, and I pray my kids paid attention to it as well.
Proverbs 19:3 (NLT)
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.

We have a tendency to make choices and decisions and when they go completely amuck, we then get angry and blame God.  We are quick to say "if God is so all knowing, powerful, etc. then He wouldn't have let or allowed...."
We forget that God is such a loving God, He is not a dictator and will not force us to do what He knows to be right and best for us.  He is a gentleman at all times.  How do we go off on our own way and then get mad at GOD because it doesn't go the way WE PLANNED????

His Word clearly tells us in Proverbs 16:9 - The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.  And in Proverbs 19:21 - Many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.

When we get to the point of thinking we know what is best for our lives and we know exactly how it should take place, we can only expect disaster to come in some form.  God is all perfect and knowing and He has our best interest at heart.  If our plans turn to a big mess, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Praying we will seek His wisdom and direction for our lives and that we would follow the path that He has set for us.  His way is perfect and His plan is flawless.

At What Point...

Did I stop trusting and believing in my Savior?  When did I start bringing Him only "trivial" prayers and quit believing Him for ALL my needs and prayers?

That is the question I am pondering at this point and will be praying and fasting for an answer in the days to come.  I can recall the many great blessings He has done in our lives in the last 6 years, so I know He is a good and loving God and an awesome provider.  I know He hears me and I know He answers me.
Just not sure WHAT event took place in my life that caused me to shift so drastically.  Whatever it was, I want to pinpoint it and get back on the narrow road.

What got me to thinking of all of this was listening to some sweet friends today share their testimony on how God provided the land and finances for them to build their beautiful home they are in now and the awesome land it sits on.  As I listened, my heart was stirred and I began to ask the Lord when did things shift for me.

They have also shared with me how God restored their marriage and the testimony from that as well has just put me over the top with questions to bring before the Lord.  So many questions and I need the answers.  I believe this is a pivotal moment in my walk with Christ and reclaiming some things and areas I so easily handed over to the enemy.

I can't wait to see how God answers.  I truly believe the Lord will knock my socks off with His answers and revelations!!!

Be Blessed!

Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

It Really Works

OK, so I know this won't be a surprise to all of you who cook on a regular basis, but I'm one of those skeptics until I try it for myself.
My family likes cilantro like you can't imagine.  We love the smell of it and the taste of it is unbelievable.  My big issue is that because we like it so much we usually put it in several of our meals several days per week.  So I big several bunches of it at a time.  However, it would go bad before we could use it all and I was getting frustrated with the waste.
So I watched videos of many chefs and saw them with a nice glass container with cilantro or parsley in it.  Did a bit of investigating and "they" say it stays fresher longer if you put the stems in a container of water in the fridge.
So, I gave it a try for myself, all the while expecting it to go bad in just 3 days.  Well, we are on week 2 and I just chopped the last of it up for the tortilla soup I'm making for supper tonight.
Guess what?????  It was still crispy and fresh!!!!!  The leaves were still bright and vibrant.  The smell still fresh as well.

I don't have a nice glass container so I just used a regular cup, added some water, washed my cilantro and cut off about 1/4 inch of the stems and placed them in the cup and the cup in the fridge.  I'll be doing this from now on.  

That's it!!!  I used some throughout the first week and didn't mess with it again until this evening.

Ok, so share you're cooking tips.  I need one for keeping lettuce fresh and crisp as well.

Blessing of Giving

I got a text message from a sweet friend whose family has had a hard time this year with her husband getting laid off from a job he held for almost 17 years.  God has truly sustained them through the hard times and given them bountiful blessings when they least expected.
Last night was no exception.  She said to me just days ago that they had no extra money, food was running low and she was beyond in the dumps because of the lack.  I could totally understand her heart and began to pray for her.  On Thursday, while fasting, I mostly prayed for her and her family.
They went to a Christmas church gathering last night and God laid it upon one of the members hearts to bless her family.  She, not knowing what took place, her husband drove straight to the grocery store for some much needed groceries.  To her surprise and yet humble and thankful heart, they had no food for supper last night until God in His infinite wisdom, grace, and mercy, provided it.
I will continue to pray for their provisions, much as I do for our own.  God is faithful and able to supply all our needs.

Lord I thank You for meeting the needs of my friends and their family.  Thank You for meeting my family's needs as well.  We are so ever grateful and thankful for Your provisions and Your love for/toward us.

A Fast He Has Chosen

It's been a long time since I've fasted.  A long time since I've felt led by the Lord.  I didn't wake up with that in mind yesterday, but as I prayed for a friend yesterday, I felt the Lord tugging my heart to invite her to join me in a fast.
Hmmmmm, I didn't at first.  I totally did my best to ignore the nudging and almost ended the conversation.  However, God just doesn't let things go that easily.
So I invited her to join me in a fast.
We are still working out the logistics, the day(s) we will fast and because she gets sick easily, she will only fast a meal, but the Lord is clearly leading me to fast according to His timing.  So many things the Lord has begun to lay on my heart to pray for during our time of fasting and praying.  I need to begin a list of those things before I can no longer remember.

Over the last few days, the Lord has also begun to rekindle my heart to stand for my marriage.  Yes, by all accounts, I can divorce Biblically.  Yet, the Lord has constantly turned my heart away from divorce each time I have tried to make that step.  There are times I don't want to desire this man.  This man that has hurt me so deeply.  And yet, as I reminisce about our early years, I remember a man I fell in love with.  No, I didn't pray before we married.  I was far from saved.  I had no idea to pray for my future mate.  But the day we said I do, the Lord was present and in the midst of that day and our lives.  So, if I'm honest with myself and my God, I want my marriage to be restored.  I want our lives to be transformed for the glory of the Lord.  A testimony of God's strength and power and I want to encourage others to stand for their marriages as well.

In the meantime, if you feel led, pray for God's wisdom and direction in my life and the lives of my family.  I leave you with this neat story from Moody Radio.  A Marriage Carol   It has blessed me, I pray it blesses you as well.

My Prayer Today...

Today I was able to open His Word. I first began with some music that really spoke the words of my heart. Restore Me by Anthony Evans and Lifeline by Mandisa. It is lightening to be able to purge your thoughts and heart to the Lord. The words of both of these songs helped me to do just that.

I then looked up scriptures to read when feeling lost Romans 8:28-39...hurry, go check it out.

As for Psalm 40, I read through it and my heart felt lightened. It truly is my prayer today. If you too are feeling a bit melancholy or lost, I pray that as you read it, you will make it your hearts cry today as well. If there is one thing I know, even when I don't feel like God is near, He is. I KNOW He is because I'm still here!!!!

Now, off to do more job applications and hopefully get some sewing done today.
Be Blessed!!

1 For the choir director: A psalm of David. I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the LORD.4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the LORD, who have no confidence in the proud, or in those who worship idols.5 O LORD my God, you have done many miracles for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand -- you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings.7 Then I said, "Look, I have come. And this has been written about me in your scroll:8 I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your law is written on my heart."9 I have told all your people about your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O LORD, well know.10 I have not kept this good news hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.11 LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.12 For troubles surround me -- too many to count! They pile up so high I can't see my way out. They are more numerous than the hairs on my head. I have lost all my courage.13 Please, LORD, rescue me! Come quickly, LORD, and help me.14 May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. May those who take delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.15 Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"16 But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The LORD is great!"17 As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now. You are my helper and my savior. Do not delay, O my God.

New Beginnings

I can't begin to describe how clean everything feels here. I can't believe I'm starting a new blog!!!I think I really needed it though. Time to come out the closet about a lot of things....HA HA that scared ya huh???I'm just tired of having to pretend that things are good in my world or at least ok for some of those that were reading my other blog. I want to be real!!! I want to be uplifting, I want to encourage, I want to have healing, but you know you can't do that when you're constantly being condemned or told to suck it up or even told to lean on Jesus a little harder. Sometimes I just want to scream and say THIS MESS HURTS!!!!! and not have to have people telling me that my faith is weak or that I must not be walking with the Lord so closely. I am walking with Him. My walk does struggle. My faith slips. My life goes into a tail spin. I suffer from depression. I get lonely. I hurt. I quit. I give up. I cry. I have tantrums! Then we move on to the next growing pain. But I'd like a safe place to be encouraged, prayed for, loved on, and propelled forward. I'd also like to be able to do that for someone else through my blog!So much IS changing in my life and YET, SO MUCH IS STILL THE SAME!!!I don't know what God's plans are for me or this new blog, but I'm believing it's gonna be huge!!! Thanks for reading and I do look forward to hearing from you!!!