My Beloved Aunt

My mother’s last living sibling lives across the street from us.  She is on hospice care as she has cancer throughout her body, parkinsons, and now fluid around her heart.  There are times when I get to sit and care for her until her son arrives to care for her.

She has stated she doesn’t have much longer to live...she’s actually made it much longer than the doctor’s ever thought she would. 

Following is an account of the latest visit I had with her.  I’m posting it to have a record of it for when she goes HOME.

Sitting with Mama Dear has been the highlight of the beginning of my fast.  She was a delight and joy.  I could see that she was getting tired, but each time I left her to rest, she’d call me back in her room.  She was definitely restless.  She finally asked me to sit with her and hold her hand.  At first I was a bit put off.  I had the grand idea that sitting in front of the fireplace would be an awesome place to sit while I had my prayer/quiet time.  However that attitude only lasted a moment because my next immediate thought was what if this is the last thing she gets to ask of me (her being in her right mind are rare moments)?

I asked her if she would mind me getting my Bible and her face lit up.  As I sat down, I asked her if there was anything she would like to hear.  She said the 37th Psalms.  I read it and she smiled.  I read a few others and she relaxed and closed her eyes.  She was not yet asleep though and after about 15 min., she opened her eyes again with a look of peace and serenity.  She asked me to read the 25th Psalm and I did, as well as the 23rd, 24th, 26th, and 33rd.  Then she was ready to sleep.  It was nice to look up occasionally and see her listening intently with a smile on her face.

Mama Dear has always been extra special to me.  One of my most favored aunts.  We used to write to each other when I was in high school and every letter she sent me she always gave me godly wisdom.  My regret is that I can’t find any of those letters.  At any rate, the memories I have of her and the time God has allowed her to be a part of my life are priceless!!!!

A Fast of HIS Choosing

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.  I can’t say if I’ve really missed it or not.  I’ve been enjoying spending more time with God and trying to get used to the new changes within my household.  

The next several posts for the next few days will be a compilation of the things that have happened over the last few weeks.  

Now, where to begin?  Each year our church holds a Solemn Assembly.  This is the church taking the first week of the new year and dedicating it to the Lord through fasting and praying as a church body as well as families and individuals. 

The week before that, I knew we were getting ready to go into this consecrated time and I had begun to pray and ask God how He wanted me to approach this time of fasting and praying.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to hear from the Lord and I wanted this time to be different.  Immediately God impressed upon my heart to do a full fast and to fast from the internet as well.  And I knew this was a fast that God had chosen.  Isaiah 58:5-12

When we arrived at church that Sunday, the Pastor gave different instructions; to fast from ONE meal of our choosing and from ONE other thing that consumes a lot of our time.  Sounded like what I was going to do anyway, except the meal part.  I sat there and prayed, “Lord they are only fasting from one meal...I could just follow them.”  He instructed me to obey the fast He had chosen and I knew in my heart that was what I needed and had to do.  I knew with expectancy that God was going to speak to me through this fast.

This was NOT a fast where He spoke to me, but a fast in which HE broke the chains of depression and suicide from me.  I can only recall 2 other fasts in the last 5 years in which the Lord spoke to me or broke some bondage from my life.  2011 was a great year of testing and tempting from the enemy for me.  Many times there was a weight and spirit of depression/suicide upon me.  Not many know the depths within which I fought to keep from taking my life.  There were times I could only lay in my bed and cry out the name of Jesus.  I couldn’t read, couldn’t sing, couldn’t pray....I could only call out the name Jesus and beg for Him to save me.  I knew in my limited frame of understanding that if I were to come through that time, it would only be because of Jesus and nothing that I had done in my own works.  And sure enough, He did bring me through but in the first week of 2012, He broke the bondage from me.  

I knew the moment it broke from my life.  I awoke on that Tuesday with a smile on my face and knew a lightness in my heart that I had not felt in over a year.  I knew the season of the deep valley of the shadow of death was over and the joy of the Lord was upon me.  

I actually went through the rest of the fast without a desire for food.  My sister and I talked about various recipes and she continually apologized for “tempting” me, but not once was I even yearning for food.  The only difference this time is that my children are much older than the first time I ever fasted, so I never had to cook meals.  They took care of the meals themselves.  

The following Sunday, I was able to give an amazing testimony to several people about the goodness of the Lord and what He had accomplished during the fast He had chosen.  He also gave me a new heart and desire for my marriage.  I prayed at the end of the fast that God would continue to call me to a fast of His choosing throughout this year.  

Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:8-11 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty without accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

The Throne of My Heart

How do I take me off the throne of my heart and ask God to occupy His rightful place on the throne of my heart when I'm filled with such pride?

Many would say it's easy, confess, repent, believe, have faith, trust, etc.

I submit to you that sometimes it's really NOT that easy.  Oh how I want it to be, but when I ask myself some hard questions, I realize that this is a battle I can't fight on my own.

My sweet friend shared a quote with me from Facing the Giants between the husband and the wife.  He asked her "Will you still love Him if He never gives us a child?"

For my friend, she said before she couldn't answer because she was angry, but now she can say yes!!!! regarding her situation.

As for me, I wrote it out and I'm truly pondering it.
Would I still love Him if He never removes the financial burdens, never restores my marriage and family, never turns my children's hearts to completely surrender and walk with Him, never restores the relationships between me and my children, never gives me a job, I'm never to be a stay at home wife/mother again, never allows us to move to a "better" & "more fitting" place?

Sad to say I am struggling with this right now and I see the pride in it all.  I see that I have dethroned God from my heart and put myself in His place.

I'm not even pondering so much right now HOW this happened, but WHAT is hindering me from removing myself and putting God back in His rightful place in my heart and life.

And just in the brief moment I have paused to ask God to reveal it to me, I got this...
I'm angry because my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  My hopes and dreams weren't fulfilled as I had planned.  My desires have all been for naught and I'm angry, bitter, and resentful, and sorely disappointed.

to be continued............