Starting Over

I've been gone a while and well, there is no excuse, but I had to just take some time and regroup.  My faith was struggling pretty bad and I had to find me in Christ.  Talk about persecution and torment, the last few weeks were some of the hardest to get through and yet I needed to get through them. 

My children and I began to watch the Basic Seminar with Bill Gothard and I have to tell you there has been so much awakening for me and so much freedom gained through it.  There are many that would say he leads a cult, but I haven't found that to be true and I've not taken his word on anything, but looked through the scriptures for myself to back up what he is saying or dispute it if necessary.  I have, thus far, found no reason to dispute anything he has taught.  He seriously takes you right back to the Word of God and the Lord Jesus Christ!!!

So I've started over.  What does that mean exactly?  Well, it means that I've been working on the me God created me to be and some things I HAD to take back to the beginning!!!!  Relearning what God has to say about me.  Relearning what God has to say about Himself.  In all of that, I know there are some things I need to be doing and I've neglected to do them for one reason or another.
Just as things began to get so tumultuous for me and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel (in more ways than one), my sister asked me if I would work out with her for 30 days.  I agreed.  Had no idea how this would rejuvenate me spiritually!!!!  As I've been walking on the treadmill, or riding the stationary bike, or lifting weights, I have had a keen sense that God had some things I needed to go back to and some things He wanted me to change.  In come the promptings on my health and nutrition.

So, I started over with drinking my green smoothies again in addition to working out.  We ate ALL vegan meals for now 2 weeks and I can't begin to tell you how awesome I feel. 

We are on the verge of losing our only transportation because I'm still without a job, but praying the local home health care will get at least 3 referrals for a home health aid....basically I have a job, just waiting for clients now.  I haven't stopped applying at other places though.  My husband finally almost got the rent caught up and by the grace of God our utilities are still on.  Our Internet will be off sometime today, but even with all of that, I have a new focus.  I'm concerned, but not depressed over these financial hurdles.  God has provided food we needed to begin this vegan journey.  And after the first week of working out and eating all vegan, I began to research yet again about this lifestyle.

I found.......greensmoothiegirl.com.  I actually found her through YouTube first and watched every video she posted over the last few years.  My son watched with me.  I began to get excited and pumped up about all the possibilities.  I don't believe in coincidences, so I know God had a purpose and plan in all of it. 

I discovered a lump about 4 weeks ago.  I've been keeping a close "eye" on it and I haven't noticed it growing, but I do know it is there.  Only one of my children know that I have discovered it.  I called the free clinic and they have no openings until July.  My blood pressure was through the roof and I was having panic attacks nightly.  My weight was 220 lbs. 

However, after changing my eating habits and then dipping into a vegan food quest, I noticed my clothes were beginning to fit differently.  I weighed myself as we began to work out last week and I was astonished to see that the scale read........... WAIT FOR IT................ 198 lbs.  So in 4 weeks I've lost 22 lbs.  I have a total of 53 lbs to go to get to my goal.  I feel great!  Oh I think I said that already.  The food tastes great that we have been eating and I'm noticing that I don't need quite as much to fill me up. 

So back to these green smoothies.  I've done them off and on for the past 6 years.  The longest I've done them is about 18 months.  I got lazy and didn't think they were making such a huge difference.  However, the last time I lost a whopping 47 pounds, that's exactly what I was doing, having a green smoothie every morning and working out for an hour 6 days a week.  If it worked then, why did I stop?  I got lazy...... no excuse and no other explanation. 

The only difference now in these green smoothies is I'm following green smoothie girls advice by putting in MORE greens.  Previously I had put in spinach and various types of lettuces.  Now I've omitted the lettuces and I'm doing kale and collards as well as the spinach.  I'm adding frozen fruit, an apple or pear, and 2 bananas.  I thought with the additional greens that I wouldn't like it so much, but I guess because we've curbed our sugar intake for so long the taste didn't phase me one bit.  Well, actually, that's a lie.  It tastes superb!!!  I love the richness in flavor and the life of the greens.  The fruits, though not a lot, add just enough sweetness.  If you decide to give them a try for the first time however, I would suggest doing more fruit than greens and working your way to decrease the fruit and increase the greens each week.

I've also noticed that my palate is changing.  We had cake for my nephews 4th birthday and I totally could not eat the icing on it.  Way too sweet.  I am not craving sugars and sweets as much either, only right before my cycle.  I haven't denied those cravings, but I can't wait for them to be gone.  Green Smoothie Girl has this cake I so want to try, but I don't like chocolate, so I'm going to have to figure out how to change it to a white cake.  It's a beet chocolate cake and everyone on her site raves about it.  So in the next few weeks I hope to give it a try and make it a white cake...well, with beets, it will most likely be pink. LOL

I'm also working on starting to journal my vegan journey through videos on my YouTube channel, NeedingASavior.   There's nothing on there now, but I will be working on it in the next few weeks and with no Internet, I will only be able to post videos when I take my daughter to class or we head to the library. 

I'm excited about the changes.  They are very much needed and I only wish I had done them head on 6 years ago. 

In other exciting news, I'm going back to school.  I'm needing to take a placement exam and need the money for that by the 4th of May.  Summer classes begin on the 24th of May.  I've already gotten my financial aid for summer, fall, and spring classes taken care of.  Summer classes will consist of prerequisite classes, then I will take another exam in the fall to get into the LVN program.  After a year I will have completed that program and plan to work and save to begin the midwifery program.  That's the goal at this point, we'll see if God changes that or if this is indeed the road He has for me. 

Surrendering IS Humbling

Who ever said surrendering to God was easy, lied!  It is a very humbling experience for sure.  Just yesterday alone, I surrendered things to God AGAIN about 10 times.  Just when I think I'm on a path of surrender, something is said or a thought remembered and BAM it's like I've walked into a brick wall and I have to surrender all over again.

When I find myself worrying or fretting over something, I stop right then and surrender those things again.  Asking God to be the Lord over that issue, thought, feeling, emotion, etc.  I can't begin to describe the peace that begins to flood me from within.

I lay in bed last night and began to just pray for various people in my life.  Giving praise, asking for specifics for each of them and suddenly I had the overwhelming need to surrender stuff and people in my life again.  Tears began to stream down my face as it hit me I own NOTHING, not even my own body.  I immediately thought of a few scriptures...

Romans 12:1

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?

1 Corinthians 6:20

20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body. 

1 Corinthians 7:23

23 God purchased you at a high price. Don't be enslaved by the world.

Then it REALLY hit me.  There is nothing on this earth that I own.  There is absolutely NOTHING that is mine.  Now my next thoughts may seem silly as I write them out, but I lay there and started thinking about things I've purchased and realized that not even those things are mine.  I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!  It all belongs to God.  I belong to God.  

AND THEN....surrendering became easy.  The words began to flow from my heart as I gave things back to the Lord that were His to begin with.  My children are not mine.  They were His all along and He only loaned them to me to nurture and prepare for His glory and purpose.  I gave Him my husband as well as many other family members and I realized He loves them far more than I EVER could.  He does not desire for any of them to be lost.  2 Peter 3:9  The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.

He loves them with an everlasting love.  Jeremiah 31:3

The more I surrendered stuff, people, me to the Lord, the harder the tears fell and the more free and at peace I felt.  The more I let go, the more I began to seek His forgiveness for MY mess and I was able to also feel His forgiveness take over me to the point I was able to forgive others.  I could think of someone and things they did or said to me in the past and I was not angry with just the thought of them, but my heart was filled with compassion towards them.  It is seriously a point when you realize that person did hurt you but ultimately it was against heaven first that they sinned and grieved the Holy Spirit.  The more I came to that realization, the more Ephesians 6:12 became more real and clear to me.  For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those powers of darkness that rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.

C L E A N S I N G

F R E E I N G                      H U M B L I N G

R E F R E S H I N G

My goodness that seems to me, to be a lifesaver right there!!!  The nugget we should all be aiming for.  I'm discovering a new side of God that was there all along.  I side I'm loving and so thankful for.

Does this mean I will never worry, fret, or take back what I have already given to Him?  No, that would mean I'm not human.  However, I have taken a step in the right direction of being able to trust my Savior.  

Lord, I pray that something I have shared will be the catapult that launches someone else that much closer to You.  I pray that you will continue to heal my heart and help me to surrender daily my "rights" to You.  May I never get so cocky to believe that I am my own and can do as I so choose.  May I never forget where I've been, nor what You are bringing me through.  May what I experience in life today be used to draw others to You and help them to have understanding and come into a more intimate relationship with You.

Thank You for loving me enough to be patient with me and wait for me to "come to my senses".  Forgive my cockiness of not realizing that though I did not physically wander away I was still a prodigal in my thoughts.  Thank You for seeing me afar off and running to me with out stretched arms welcoming back in to your fold.  Your love is truly greater and higher than I could ever imagine.  May I ever remain humble, grateful for YOU and who YOU are!!!

                                                                                        In Jesus Name, Amen.

Back In School

I began listening to The Pineapple Story.  I'm on the second session.  Otto Koning is teaching about surrendering to God.  He refers to them as the things he had to surrender and as grades.  He made a statement that made more sense to me than I had ever thought of.  When you are saved, you immediately enter school.  When you stop and think about it, it's true.  You enter first grade all over again.

You are in first grade of learning who God is and who you are in Christ.  For me, I'm back in first grade RE-LEARNING how to surrender to God.  There is still that one statement that is ringing like bells in my ears.  As long as you are trying to solve your problems, God won't push you out of the way.  He'll step aside and wait for you to move out of the way and let Him handle it.

I haven't surrendered things to Him and I've been trying to handle my problems myself.

It's HARD to realize PEOPLE are NOT your enemy.  For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world.  Against the powers of darkness who rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Eph. 6:12

Surrendering is also hard.  It's not a one time thing either.  In just the last 24 hours, I've surrendered EVERYTHING I could think of that is causing me fear and worry, and I've done it repeatedly.  As I lay to sleep for the night, my mind swarmed with all the "problems" in my world.  I'd find myself getting angry and I'd have to surrender that thing again.  I'd go to sleep and wake up in about 30 min. with fear and worry and I'd have to surrender that thing again as well.

So I've determined that I'm in first grade once again and I pray I'm not here long, but I'll surrender these things over and over again until I have freedom and God is the Lord of all.

Surrendering

I was listening to the first part of The Pineapple Story on EmbassyInstitute.org last night.
I didn't take any notes, just sat and listened.  I enjoyed the first session with the various stories he shared about being in the mission field, the people and so forth.  I laughed right along with the audience.  Yet, I was also paying attention and some things caught my attention.

Otto Koning made a few statements.  Statements I will be pondering for a while.
The more you fight and struggle with your problems, the worse they get.


As long as you are trying to solve your own problems, God won't push you out of the way.  He'll wait for you to move out of the way and let Him handle them.


You can't win the ones you're fighting with, you only ruin your testimony.


As my children have said and done things and I have said things that are causing conflicts and rifts in our relationships, as my husband has hurt me and is not fulfilling the vows he made, I forget often that We war not with flesh and blood...Ephesians 6:12.
I will be meditating on this verse and committing it to memory this week.

Surrender:  Cease resistance, abandon oneself entirely to, give in to, submit to a greater authority.

God is waiting on me to surrender all this mess and people to Him.  He won't push me out of the way.  He sees I'm hurting, angry and wailing about, but He waits patiently all the while knowing He can fix what brings me low.  Ahhh, the parent child relationship in full effect.

Lord, surrendering is not easy for me, but as I'm losing this war and ruining my testimony with others and my children, I surrender them, my husband, my finances, my employment, my hurts, my "rights", my heart to You.  Have Your way, may You be Lord over this all.  And Lord, may You remind me and help me to surrender it all to You again each day.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Intense Attacks

The last 5 days have been days of attack from the enemy and me countless times throwing in the towel.  I've been cursed at more times in the last few days than I care to recall, lied to continuously, and mocked behind my back.
The load got too heavy for me to bear and the enemy began to whisper in my ear.  I became too weak to fight and so I began to sink.  However, there were moments I could hear the voice of the Lord calling me and yet it was so mottled, I could barely decipher what He was saying.  I couldn't pick up the Word, just quote a few scriptures in my distress.  This morning, I know He was calling my name.
My thoughts have been why such the harsh attack?  What was I doing differently that prompted the enemy to stop at nothing to hit me square in the gut?  I was daily reading from my Promises book and I had begun to believe His promises once again and stand on them.  I was once again praying and fasting and WHAM!!!!! Out of no where He hit.
The enemy doesn't mind you saying you are a Christian, he doesn't mind you reading the scriptures and listening to Christian radio and teachings.  He does want to stop you from believing and standing on the Word of the Lord.  If he can keep you blinded with just a little lie (did God really say???) then he doesn't have to worry about you doing any damage to his worldly kingdom.
I know there will be more and I know things will get dull sounding around me again and I won't be able to decipher what the Lord is saying, but I do know He is calling my name.  He is not leaving me to the wiles and schemes of the enemy.  One day the pounding, tumultuous attacks from the enemy will become dull and I will not only be able to hear my Lord, but also decipher what He is saying.
Today I will pick up the Word and read.  It may only be a few scriptures as I get my bearings together, but I WILL read.  Most of my time will be spent in prayer as I realign my focus on His promises and hold fast to them.

Update

Today I send my laptop back to Apple for repairs.  My hard drive seems to have a glitch with the CD/DVD mechanism.  I hate to see her go, but I know that it is necessary and I also know this will be a time of limited distractions and I can focus on the Lord more and get into a better routine of life.
I do plan to use this time to work out a schedule of sorts.  I know I still spend way more time online than I should, so I'll be working on that.  Not to mention the several projects I'm working on for the arrival of my niece and the 12 quilts I need to get started with for my sweet friend and her family.

Please continue to pray as I am still seeking employment and our funds have completely run out now.  I know God is able and the things he has done have blown my mind.  The things He will do, will be no different.  He will definitely be glorified and lifted up!!!!!

Hopefully when I get my laptop back I'll have pictures of my projects to share!!!

ADDENDUM:  I have since discovered one of the reasons I'm not getting call backs for jobs is I have been blacklisted by a former employer.  Please join with me in praying for their hearts.  This supervisor was very angry and bitter towards me during my time of employment.  Also not a believer.

Kung Pao Tofu

Who knew!!!  Last night I made a huge pot of Kung Pao Tofu.  Now my children and I love to eat foods from all across the globe.  There are but a few things we say no thank you to.  On this quest I've been searching for foods we could eat and still enjoy, this recipe was no disappointment what so ever.  It tasted way better than the stuff we've gotten in restaurants.
I took a picture of the finished product and sent it to my pregnant sister.  About 10 minutes later she was knocking on my door for a sample.  However, she took home a plate.  She told me today that she dreamed about that meal twice!!!  It was really that good.
So this is definitely a keeper in our new recipe book.

If you give it a try, let me know what you think.